


let the ashes settle

by kibourn



Category: Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe
Genre: Angst, Backstory, Blood and Injury, Depression, F/M, Major Character Injury, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicide Attempt, jd being a sadboi, light fluff, veronica is loving and caring tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-20
Updated: 2019-04-20
Packaged: 2020-01-20 17:53:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18530146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kibourn/pseuds/kibourn
Summary: he didn't die, but god, he fucking wishes he did.





	let the ashes settle

**Author's Note:**

> an au where jd survives the explosion. however, he didn't kill heather chandler, kurt or ram. the bomb was meant to be a suicide attempt which obviously failed. jd is not portrayed as psychotic, just as a kid who never got the proper treatment for his mental illnesses and never got the attention he needed when younger. veronica is not heavily involved with the heathers and prefers to spend her time with jd, however there is no mention of this in the story. 
> 
>  
> 
> hello! it's been around 2+ years since i've written anything so i hope this is okay. it's actually part of a series i'm going to be writing about this au i've created. i actually wrote this first, so it would be okay to read this before the other parts are released. the other parts will explain how jd met veronica, how they got together, and the complete aftermath of the explosion. anyway, about this part, it might be all over the place but i hope you enjoy regardless. sorry for any spelling mistakes, i tried to catch everything i saw. 
> 
>  
> 
> any feedback is appreciated! thank you

the ashes were the only thing that proved westerburg high school ever existed.

 

less than 5 minutes ago, it was a school. a fucking terrible school, but still a school. but now, it's just been reduced to a pile of ashes and burnt corpses. two people layed under rubble from the explosion, one being veronica sawyer and the other being jason dean. the thing that made these two different from the others in the school? they were alive.

 

veronica stirred slightly, her eyes slowly opening as she realised what just happened. she had been knocked unconscious for a few minutes when she discovered jd in the boiler room after hearing a gunshot. but, before she could do anything a bomb (that was set up by jd, but she didn't even see it) went off.

 

she sat up quickly and went to pull the rubble off of her when she realised she had been impaled in the leg by a wooden board. she stared at it, before realising she should probably get rid of it. she quickly looked over at jd, her eyes widening as she realised he could be _dead._ she needed to act fast, as his life could depend on it.

 

quickly, she grabbed the wooden board and braced herself for the coming pain. in one move, she pulled the board out of her leg, stifling a scream from the pain. it started to bleed, _bad_ , and she panicked. veronica quickly looked around, and noticed the corpse of a student close by where she was. she pulled herself over to the corpse, and ripped part of their shirt off, which was surprisingly not very dirty. she quickly wrapped it around her wound and pressed it down to stop the bleeding.

 

after, she crawled back to where jd was (because she didn't trust herself to try walking just yet) and began to pull some of the rubble off of him. things weren't looking good, he had a large bullet wound in the stomach and had possibly been suffocated by some of the falling debris. veronica felt tears begin to form, and she layed against jd's chest, sobbing loudly.

 

"jd, you have to wake up! you can't be fucking dead! please I don't want to be alone-"

 

a hand slowly rose up, and was put over veronica's mouth, hushing her. her eyes widened.

 

\--

 

jd swerved suddenly, a wave of pain rushing over him. he could feel the blood trying to clot around his stomach, but it was too much. he slammed on the breaks, violently coughing up blood on the dashboard of the car. veronica looked over at him, worried. "please let me drive. you need to rest." he began to protest, but another coughing fit started and that was enough to shut him up.

 

veronica jumps out of the car (well, not literally because of her leg), limping over to jd's side, opening the door and looking down at him. she realised he wasn't wearing a seatbelt, and shook her head. "god, it's almost like you want to get even more injured." she put her arms around him and pulled him out of the car, picking him up afterwards. she walked back to the passenger side, gently placing jd's body on the seat. she buckled him into the seat and stepped back, looking at him sadly. he tilted his head back, resting his head on the car seat and letting out a loud, breathy sigh. "you know, i-" but he gets cut off as he starts coughing again, and veronica's right by his side.

 

she's running her hands through his hair, and looking at him worriedly. "don't talk, okay? you need to rest." she looks like she's on the verge of tears, jd thought to himself, so he decided to comply by weakly nodding his head. veronica gives a slight smile, kissing his forehead and buckling him in. she gently closes the car door and walks over to her side.

 

once getting in, she completely turns the car around and starts heading back to town. to be fair, it was her own car that jd decided to hijack because it was nearby when they needed it, but still. jd opens his eyes, surprised and even a bit angry."what are you doing?! we have to get out of town!"

 

"listen jd, i have no idea why you want to leave so badly. i know the explosion was really bad, and, god, it's fucking _terrible_ but you can't just run away. besides, if i don't get you to a hospital soon you're going to bleed out and i don't need to lose another person today." veronica lets out a shaky sigh, rubbing a few tears off of her cheek. "...you don't understand." jd says sadly, looking out the window.

 

he's deathly quiet now, and veronica has to look over at him just to make sure he's alive. he's deep in thought though, slowly processing everything that had happened over the past weeks. he's realising everything he's done, and the guilt sinks into his stomach, making him almost throw up. his chest feels like it's shrinking, it's tight, oh, it's too fucking tight. he can't breathe. but, he laughs. he fucking laughs at his situation, but it's not because it's funny. it's his coping mechanism. why was it him? why did he survive? he's not even a good person. fuck, even someone like heather duke was a better person than he would ever be. he killed an entire school full of innocent kids in a fucking suicide attempt. he's crying now, he can feel the tears run down his cheeks even if he feels numb himself. the tears quickly turn cold but he makes no effort to wipe them away.

 

he didn't die, but god, he fucking wishes he did.

 

eventually, the couple pulls up to the emergency area of the hospital. veronica rushes to get jd inside (even though she herself had suffered from injuries as well, but at least she didn't have a fucking bullet wound in her stomach.) the nurses almost immediately took jd away once they saw his condition, and veronica tried to follow but they wouldn't allow her to. she realised that she probably couldn't fight against the nurses, and instead fell into a seat in the waiting room. staring into the distance she couldn't stop thinking about jd and if he was going to be okay.

 

around 2 hours (or was it more? or less? she can't tell.) later, the nurse finally comes back. veronica feels her heart stop for a second, holding her breath her breath and waiting for the worst. "you can come see him now." and she releases the breath. she gets up in a heartbeat and follows the nurse into a secluded room. she sees jd, and, oh god, the tears just start falling. she runs up to the bed, hugging him tightly (but not too tight, of course.) "hey, don't cry." jd says, but he can also feel tears building up as well. he rests his hand on veronica's head, softly stroking her.

 

"so, luckily the bullet didn't actually hit any major organs, which is good. but, if you had brought him here any later he would have bled out." veronica looks over at the nurse, nodding her head. "when can he leave?"

 

"you're looking at around a week, i'm assuming. we need to make sure the stitches don't burst, so it would be best if he stayed here." she nods her head again, bringing one of her hands to hold jd's. "thank you so much." the nurse gives a weak smile, turning around and walking away from the couple. they just lay there in silence, until jd speaks up.

 

"so.. um. i actually have some things i really need to tell you." veronica lifts her head, looking up at the boy sadly. "can't it wait? you really need to rest-" she gets cut off suddenly when jd begins to shake his head. "no, it can't wait. look, it's fucking killing me and i don't want to have to lie to you anymore." she feels her heart drop. he's been lying about something the entire time? or was it something else? this can't be good.

 

jd breathes in, holding it for a second, then lets it out slowly. "i, uh," he clears his throat, looking away. veronica sits up slowly, giving jd all of her attention. "you.. what?" he sighs. "i've, um, i've been going through a lot of shit lately. you know? with my dad and all that stuff, god, he's a raging fucking alcoholic who doesn't give a shit about me." he looks back at veronica, noticing her paying full attention to him. he breathes in, then continues. "and then, what happened with my mom is coming back again. i've been trying to ignore it as much as possible and i know that's fucking dumb but god i don't know any better." god, he can feel the tears building up, which isn't normal for him. veronica notices this right away, and pulls him into a tight embrace. "god, i fucking miss her, veronica. i miss the way things used to be. i miss just being a normal kid, coming home from school every day to loving parents who actually make you feel wanted. but, here i am. a suicidal 'bad boy' who almost got what he wanted."

 

veronica says nothing, staring up at jd as she processes what he said. she blinks, confused, but the tears start streaming down her face. she realised that jd was probably the one who blew up the school. jd slowly looks back at her, and seeing her sobbing made his heart hurt and his chest heavy. he reaches a hand out to cup her face, gently stroking her cheek. "...why did you blow up the school, jd?" she asks, even though she almost definitely knows what his answer is going to be.

 

there it is. the question he's been waiting for this entire time. the question he's been dreading. he doesn't want to say it. he's supposed to make veronica happy, not miserable. he breathes in, closing his eyes. "it was a suicide attempt. pretty fucking dumb, right?" jd shifts slightly, bringing a hand up to wipe away his own tears. "i fully intended to die in that explosion, but by some work of god or something- i'm still here. but everyone else is dead. kinda makes you feel like shit, you know? i wanted to go out with a bang, and actually feel important. even if it's terrible i just wanted someone to notice i was suffering."

 

veronica says nothing, but goes back to hugging jd. he's surprised by this, since he was fully expecting the girl to completely hate him by now. his hands are starting to shake- he can feel another panic attack coming on. his chest is getting tight, and it's starting to get so, so hard to breathe. but, veronica's holding him, which somehow makes him feel better. "don't you hate me?" he asks, but she shakes her head.

 

"why didn't you tell me?"

 

huh?

 

"...tell you what?"

 

"that you were fucking suicidal!" veronica practically screams this, tears falling down her cheeks. jd's surprised, looking away from her. he can't look at her when she's like this, because if he does he might break himself. or, break more than he already had. "i... i don't know, okay? i was fucking scared veronica, i didn't want to open up to yet another person and just have them leave. i was being cautious." but obviously this isn't the right response, it just makes veronica sob even more. she grabbed onto his shirt, tightly holding onto it and looking away. "i don't understand. did you feel like you couldn't trust me? i'm supposed to be here for you jd, you're supposed to be able to come to me with your problems. why didn't you?"

 

"i.. to tell you the truth, i was scared. so. fucking. scared. i didn't want to lose you, i couldn't lose you. i couldn't-" jd was interrupted by a coughing fit, which sounded pretty bad. he closed his eyes, trying to regain his composure. "i trust you veronica, it's just, i've never _actually_ loved anyone like i've loved you before, and i've never had anyone reciprocate those feelings so i wasn't- actually, i'm still not used to being cared about. but, god, i fucking love you."

 

veronica looked up at him with tears still streaming down her face, but she managed to crack a small smile. "i.. i love you too, jd." she wanted to talk more, ask more questions, just let him vent to her so he'd feel somewhat better, but she's got her own things to worry about. her parents probably think she was killed in the explosion, so that'll be a fun thing to explain to them when she eventually goes back home. her best friend, her classmates, the heathers, _everyone_ most likely died in that explosion. but, her and jd? they managed to survive, and that hasn't set in yet. she doesn't want to think about that now, all that matters is that jd is okay and he's not dead, just damaged. badly damaged, but not beyond repair.

 

her head is pounding, and she probably should've gotten her leg examined to make sure there wasn't any risk of an infection. but, she's so fucking tired. she decided that, maybe sleeping would be the best option here. veronica attempts to climb into the hospital bed with jd, but with her leg having been impaled earlier it was kind of impossible. he helps her get into the bed, and she lays down, resting her head against his shoulder. a stray tear runs down her cheek as she closes her eyes, and she feels jd wipe it away with his hand.

 

he still feels like home to her.


End file.
